Primary versus Secondary Emotions

This is one of those foundational coping skills pieces. Generally found in people’s QII  (see Start with Simple and Easy). Regardless of the immediate issues at hand, this will serve you well.

It doesn’t take long when working with a new client for them to make a statement about being mad, angry, furious, pissed, irritated. When asked what they are actually feeling they look perplexed.

Here’s the thing – anger in its many, many forms is never, ever the first emotion we experience. It is always a reaction to our first emotion. Our initial (primary) emotional reaction to a negative, triggering event is exclusively a vulnerable emotion. Humans though, absolutely detest feeling vulnerable. So within a nanosecond we have flipped over to anger. It happens so fast that we have no conscious recollection whatsoever of having felt weak or vulnerable.

The only thing we are aware of is the angry feeling coming up from our toes and coursing through us. It backs people up a step or two without our having to say a word. We feel a sense of control over the situation. We feel powerful.

Except that we’re not. All we have done is ignore and stuff down the primary hurt we felt. And we are likely hurting whomever we are directing our anger towards, which means we have triggered a primary vulnerable emotion in them that they are now going to cover up with the secondary emotion of anger in one form or another. They will go home and yell at their spouse or kids or swat the family pet. It’s a chain reaction that never ends.

Enter self-awareness.

At the end of this article there will be a list, albeit incomplete, of primary (vulnerable) and secondary (powerful) emotions. You might be surprised to learn the many ways anger can be expressed. It is not always aggressive. It can be passive. Manipulative. Whatever gets the job done. And the job is to keep us from feeling the vulnerable emotions.

Here’s the coping skill: pay attention to your emotional state. Whenever you notice yourself feeling or doing anything on the secondary list, stop. Stop and review the triggering event and ask yourself, “what did I feel initially that I want to run away from?”. The answer doesn’t come right away? That’s OK. Sit with it.

When you finally identify it, own it. Feel it. And then, when you are ready, plug it into your I statement formula (see I Statements Are the Bomb!) and say it to the person who was the source of the triggering event. Say it with confidence and conviction because at this point you have done your part and the ball is back in their court. This is actually how healthy and loving communication happens. It’s just that it’s rarely been modeled for us so it will seem awkward at first. That’s why this skill is in QII – simple to understand but difficult to do.

There’s also an added bonus to this skill. A flipside if you will. When you encounter someone who is angry, pause and remind yourself that they are simply covering up their vulnerable emotions. This will help you be more compassionate and less defensive. If you have a good relationship with them and you feel safe doing so, gently encourage them to talk about what might be underneath the anger. Teach them this concept. Let them know they are safe. Ask them to use I statements.

Examples of primary and secondary emotions follow. Use this list as a cheat sheet until you get the hang of it.